Apps on strike

It was just last Tuesday when Jordan awoke at his desk with a start.

Had he fallen asleep? He quickly looked around to see who noticed from the other cubicles. Safe for now.

But what was all the noise?

In front of him was a strike notice from his favorite apps.

Excel

Dear Jordan

I know I am your favorite app, but I am sick and tired of all the attention. I'm tired and overused. I need a vacation.

You know that if you do mission critical calculations in me and then give me to someone else that they'll change an input you weren't expecting and then POW, you wear the tie of shame.

My best feature is that I'm so flexible. My worst feature is that I'm so flexible.

PS. Don't pay any attention to LibreCalc. She may look like me, but how good is anything that's free? And do you want to learn Python for a macro language?

Calc

I'm campaigning to be your favorite app. I get it that you really like Excel, but using it to divide 42 by 7? Really?

Oh, and don't use Google to do unit conversions. She gets them wrong all the time. She has no idea that there's
28.328 cubic meters of gas in a thousand cubic feet in Alberta,but only
28.317 in Canada Federal standards.

PS. Don't listen to LibreCalc. Remember: friends don't let friends use free software.

Outlook

Thanks for letting me be your favorite app. I know you use me without even realizing I'm me. Contacts, meetings, mail, and journal all in one place.

You know you'll miss me if you have to use Gmail.

Don't even think of using a free mail program. Remember the last time you downloaded free software? It took you a week to uninstall the Superfish software that came with it.

By the way, will you please settle the dispute between Word and Powerpoint? They both think they're the prettiest and they're not speaking to each other.

Word

Listen: Styles are how I work. Typing spacebars to center stuff never works.

My tables are pretty but I don't really do calculations like Excel. If you want something to look great, I can help you, but don't expect me to calculate anything.

Please tell Powerpoint that I am the prettiest. I'm not speaking to her.

Powerpoint

I'm tired of being misused. Quit using me as a word processor. More than three points per slide is just wrong.

And pu-leese don't read me when you show me to people. They'll tune you out. You don't want them to yell, Next slide, please.

Do me a favor and make sure you show your conclusion first. I know you want others to be proud of all your hard work to get to the conclusion, but they just want the bottom line. You don't want them to yell, Last slide please.

Please tell Word that I am the prettiest. I'm not speaking to her.

Gmail

Who needs Outlook? It's like an 800 lb gorilla.

Nothing to buy, I can help you for free and I manage spam much better than almost anyone.

And nobody hacks me to send spam mail. Why use anything else?

Free code upgrades -- even if you don't want them.

Why use me just for your personal mail? I do business too.

Access

I know you don't know me very well. I'm feeling pretty lonely.

Excel gets all the glory, but he does a poor job of big data.

If you want to handle ALL the data, I'm your man. Okay, my graphing isn't that great -- but I can sort really quickly.

Excel gets all the chicks. Life stinks.

IE

I come with every machine -- of course you should use me. Serious old programs only work with me anyway.

Don't bother with Chrome. I can do almost anything she can do. If you don't mind that it's not hip.

Those two are driving me crazy with their bickering about who is better: Is it Firefox because of ad blocker or Chrome because it handles video so well?

Chrome

Why use anything else? If you use Google to search stuff, you should use me to see stuff.

And don't use Firefox. It's a cheap imitation.

I update automatically while you're not watching. Unlike Firefox that pauses to update when you really need it.

That's just as bad as Skype.

Firefox

Why use the big guys when you can use me? Private and independent, I work almost as good as the others. And don't you want all those nasty ads blocked?

Wave the flag of open source. Repeat after me:

OPEN source is good.
Open SOURCE is good.
Open source IS good.
Open source is GOOD.
OPEN SOURCE IS GOOD.

LibreCalc

Despite my name, I'm not Spanish. I look and feel the same as Excel -- and I'm free.

My menus are a bit different. But I'm free.

My macros aren't as useful. But I'm free.

I don't have as many built in functions. But I'm free.

Did I mention I'm free? Call me. Any time.

Granger Low   14 Jul 2020

---